Heart on Fire

God is trying to provide me with that strength that I have been praying for, but it's proving to be a harder task to accomplish than I previously thought. I know to gain strength you have to be put in tough situations that require you to muster it up. Tough situation, check. Strength, MIA.

Today is the last day of school for the year. We always have an end of school awards assembly full of families. There is always lots of ahhing and oohing over new additions to families as well as the, "my how they've grown," remarks. Today was no different. One of our teachers had a baby a couple weeks ago, and his wife brought it to school today. Not only was I faced with a baby, but then it turned into a full on sharing of stories between the rest of the teachers about their kids. I am one of three teachers without kids at my school. Three. And of those three, one is engaged and not married yet, and the other married young and subsequently divorced shortly after before having kids. I am the only one married, having been married for a few years, and still without kids. I politely tried to walk away and join in with a conversation some of my students were having. One of the other teachers came over, noticing my absence, and said, "The baby is really cute." I don't know if that was supposed to be my cue to go over and join in or not, but I just said, "I'm sure she is." I didn't think that was too rude of me.

Anyway, after much fanfare, I quietly led my class away from where the baby was. I didn't know how else to handle the situation. I'm trying very hard to hold it together, but I'm holding on by a thread. I don't feel strong at all, in fact I feel very weak, like I should be able to handle something as simple as the arrival of a new baby.

God, please bless me with strength to hold it together, patience to wait for your timing, and the ability to express my happiness for others without breaking down.