I'm sorry I have been so boring lately...I guess I just feel like I don't have anything worthwhile to say right now.
I'm kind of in a dark place, and I am not real sure how to get out. I don't feel like talking to people, doing things, eating, sleeping...just pretty much feel numb right now. We don't have the money to do IVF, we don't meet some of the requirements for adoption, we are planning to do dIUI, but have to wait until the summer to even have the consult...I'm just waiting....waiting to be disappointed, waiting to throw more money down the drain, waiting to hear that another procedure didn't work...It's so gosh darn hard to find things to be happy about right now...
My marriage and relationships are starting to take a hit. J told me that sometimes it seems really hard to make me happy. My family is complaining that I never talk to them, and they feel like I am avoiding them. My friends are pretty much non-existent, and I really have no one to blame but myself. I haven't' been a fun person to live with, I know that. I know I am not my usual bubbly social self, but everyone I know is aware of what we are going through and I just don't feel like having to admit that everything we have been doing has failed. Then comes the questions about what do we do know and I have to explain the options which just opens it up for people to add their two cents in about we should do this, or do that, or not do this, or are we aware of how much money that is? We have just spent the last nine months spinning our wheels for nothing. We are thousands of dollars down and have nothing to show for it. Thus is my life right now...and I feel kind of bad, but I just don't feel like dissecting it right now.
This past week I had two people tell me that I could 'borrow' their kids and it might change my mind about wanting them, two people ask how we can afford our treatments, and one person tell me that "you haven't been married that long, nor have you been trying that long, and what is meant to be will be." Has anyone else ever thought about shoving nuclear devices up various crevices of annoying people's bodies? Hmm, maybe I'm alone on that...
Anyway, maybe it's the rain, or maybe it is the fact that I just feel like I'm standing still while life rushes past me right now...either way, I need to snap out of it, I'm just not sure how...I thought some retail shopping might help, and it did for a while, but it was short lived as well. Numb, numb, numb, like I've been sitting in a bathtub of ice cubes. I don't know which is scarier, the thought of not feeling anything, or the thought of what it will be like when I can feel again...I know there are others who are going through much worse things, and I'm not trying to have a pity party...I just needed to get how I was feeling off my chest. Everyone has their own defense mechanisms and this is mine, to just withdraw from everything...Hopefully sooner rather than later, I will be ready to deal with it, but I just can't right now.
A firstborn among us
7 years ago
4 comments:
LMAO @ Nuclear devices....
People can be insensitive....husbands included. He's right though it can be hard to make us happy, especially if all you want is a baby and that doesn't seem to be forthcoming!
Chin up...we all have days like you're having!
And we're blog buddies - cause my NEW blog has the same template as your's, gee we have good taste!
Clueless....people. I just want to give you a hug. I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. IF changes everything...our hearts...our minds, our friends, our work habits, and our marriages...I can totally understand your pain. I am so sorry you are going through. I am going through something myself with my marriage.
People can be such jerks, I hated when people offered their kids to cure my desire. I'm thinking of you! IF is so hard!
I think that it's really important to remember that you don't owe anyone any explanations about anything. If people ask where things are right now - just say that you and your husband are still moving forward but have decided that you would rather keep things between you for the time being.
Or if you don't want to be that direct, simply say, "We're exploring all our options. Thank you so much for your concern; it means a lot to us that you care so much. We'll let you know when there is good news to share."
You don't have to dissect your feelings for anyone, and you don't have to take unsolicited advice from anyone.
Try not to think that you have nothing to show for the thousands of dollars that you've spent. You are right that you don't have a baby or a positive pee stick to show for it right now. But you do have things to show for it. You have the support of the infertility blogosphere, which you never would have discovered otherwise. You have, in all likelihood, found a new depth of strength in your relationship with J (despite his statement recently that it's been difficult to make you happy lately). You have given your doctors more valuable information to put the pieces together in solving your particular infertility puzzle. Don't dismiss these things as trivial - they are all important steps, even if they don't feel like they are doing anything for you in the here and now.
I know that the here and now feels like there's just a big, dark raincloud hanging over you - and there are just days when it's impossible to come out of it. The best advice I can give you is to allow yourself to be sad when you need to, but also to simply force yourself to go out and do things like the "old you" sometimes even when you don't want to. You'll often find yourself caught up in a fun moment without even realizing how you got there, and you may find pieces of the old self ocming out. This is especially important to do during this "waiting" time before you can go for your consult. But remember - you don't owe this to anyone else... it's only YOU that deserves to have some good times.
As for anyone who suggests you can "borrow" their children? I suggest either telling them flat out how hurtful a thing that is to say to you. Or, if they have more than one child, you can answer, as Mel suggests, "If having children is so awful, why did you have more than one?" You can also try, "Oh, okay! Bring them right over. Oh, you didn't want them back, did you? If this isn't rent-to-own, I'm not interested."
I hope that the dark cloud recedes sometime soon - I'm here for you if you need anything.
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