Quiet as an Emotional Mouse

I'm sorry I've been awfully quiet lately. I'm really up and down about this whole two week wait this time. Some days I am terribly optimistic and actually start to believe that this time might be it, this time it might actually work, and then other days, I come back down to Earth and realize this is our 4^th IUI and what are the odds of it working this time with one follicle and low morphology sperm? The doctor basically told us that we could to this IUI just to appease us, since I really, really don't want to do IVF (we don't have the money at all!). I realize nobody really wants to do IVF, but since we have other options, such as sperm donor, etc., I'm more resistant to the idea of IVF.

The part I'm really having a hard time with is if this doesn't work (which in my head is pretty much already a given), I have to make the conscious decision to have a baby that isn't biologically my husband's. I think he is more okay with that idea than I am. I feel my duct taped heart start to rumble and crack every time I think about. It feels like being at square one again, like everything we have done for all of these months hasn't mattered in the least, all my prayers, and hopes, and dreams, are being ripped away from me again. Ever since I can remember I have dreamt of having a Jeff and Haley baby…a baby with my pointy chin and tiny nose and his deep, gorgeous eyes and wavy brown hair…with his athletic ability and my book smarts…this baby that would be OURS.

Most of all would give him a piece of his mom back…I think that is what gets me the most…I want to give him a baby so bad, because it will be like being able to give him something no one else can…that baby would be a part of the mother that was taken from him too soon…a baby that we could share wonderful stories about their grandma with. Jeff tries to console me with the idea that we can still do that, no matter where our baby comes from, but in my heart, it wouldn't be the same. I know this is coming out way different than I wanted it to…I'm not trying to say I wouldn't love any baby the same, I would…and I would thank my lucky stars and God above every single day that child was in my life. But I would also have to get past my fantasy of having a baby that is ours (biologically), of having one of those lives where you wake up one day and discover that you are pregnant out of the blue and have the luxury of not having to wait to tell people because it will be the smoothest and easiest pregnancy in the entire world. I guess I am grieving the loss of all of those things, and trying to be okay with it never happening.

Jeff and I have done a lot of soul searching and thinking these past couple of weeks of what our next step would be, and we are in agreement that this will most likely be our last IUI with Jeff's sperm. We are going to talk to the RE if/when this IUI is negative about what our next steps are for using donor sperm. I keep trying to tell myself it will still be Jeff's baby, just with the help of another human being. There are still little fears that keep creeping into my head, like, "what if he doesn't ever get attached to the baby?" or, "what if he decides he didn't actually want this and leaves?" Not that Jeff is at all the kind of guy that would just abandon his family, but I also don't want to unknowingly force him into a situation he didn't want to be in…I am just over thinking things again, like normal. Just wanted to get my thoughts and feelings these past couple of days onto paper…please forgive the random nature of this post.