Dear God, Remember me?

Today I got this crazy notion that I should take a pregnancy test, and I actually believed that there would be two lines on it, however faint. Well, I did not have my glasses on, but there was not a speck on that test. I strained and strained my eyes, willing a second line to appear. There were moments I actually convinced myself that if I held it a different direction, I could see the beginning of a second line, or if I just waited another thirty seconds it would appear. But all my efforts were in vain. Of course I started to cry immediately...sitting on the toilet cross legged trying to cry quietly enough where I wouldn't wake Jeff up, but of course he woke up and came to investigate. I love him because he always knows just the right thing to say, and he shows that he is feeling exactly the same way I am, while still being strong enough to support me. I don't know how he does it, but I am so thankful that he does.

I'm feeling a mixture of emotion right now...I feel sad, since this was our last IUI w/ Jeff's 'guys', if we choose to go that route again. We are going to talk to our RE about having a consultation on IVF and dIUI (donor sperm). We just want to know our options, our chances with each, etc. I feel dumb for having three negative IUIs under our belt, and still believing, hoping, dreaming, that this would be our fairytale ending. Logic, experience, and life were screaming at me, "You idiot! Why would it work this time? It hasn't worked the last three, why would it work now?" But then Hope, who I imagine to be the girl skipping rope and playing hop scotch, dreaming about princesses, and knights in shining armor, seems to speak louder than the other three together, and tells me to just keep dreaming, wishing, and believing, because one day the dream that I wish will come true. She says this while holding out her skirt and twirling round and round, dreamy eyed. I get drunk off Hope's optimism. She can be such a lying b**** sometimes.

The thing I am wrestling around in my mind right now is this feeling that God has forgotten about me. I know that there are much bigger problems in the world right now, than whether or not I am knocked up. It will not exactly be news worthy, "Thank you for that riveting piece on the economy and the middle east peace talks. Now in other news, Jeff and Haley Olson are finally going to have a baby." I don't see Dan Rather reporting that anytime soon. It's so hard to be a teacher in a low economic area and seeing parents everyday that can't provide for the children they have to keep having babies. Some actually admit that they keep having babies because their well fair checks get bigger for every child. How is it so easy for them? Why does God bless them over and over again with babies? Am I not deserving? Are they more deserving than I am?

I'm not trying to sound self righteous, or judgemental, but we could give our child such a good life, and there are other people in this world, who can't even give up their drug habit while they are pregnant, who just have sex and they get pregnant. Some don't even want to be pregnant. I really think some people actually have eggs that just reach out and grab sperm on their way by. I've decided I'm going to try and patent these types of eggs and become rich off them. Sorry, a little off topic. So in conclusion, God, I know you are watching my type this, so, please in between fixing the economy, protecting our troops, and creating world peace, if you have a minute of down time, could you please throw me a bone from time to time? Just to kind of say, I haven't forgotten, I just have this perfect moment reserved just for you, Jeff, and your baby, and it really is going to happen, just be patient. Thanks! Love, Haley