Emotional Download

Okay...I feel I need to just put everything on the table that I have been feeling and see if any of it helps fill in the missing pieces for me. Ever since the miscarriage, I feel scared. Scared of what, I don't know. I guess scared of making another baby and then having it taken away again, of feeling so happy, and then being crushed. I feel depressed. Not like in a day or two you'll snap out of it, but in an "everything makes me cry, I'm not happy with anything" type of depressed. I feel like my life is just blah right now, and I don't know how to pull myself out. I know I have been unfair in how I have been treating Jeff lately. I know none of this is his fault, but it feels like I am alone on this. I know he cares, and that he hurts too, but he will never know the feeling that overcomes you when you realize you have something growing inside of you, something that is relying solely on you, and needs you completely, and then to have it taken away so suddenly, and unexpectedly. He can be there to comfort me, and to try and understand, but in reality there is no way that he can understand really. It really hurt me that everyone kept trying to spin this in a good light. I really really have a problem with people saying that anything good came of us losing our baby. It seems right now that everywhere I look people are talking about babies...it's on TV, on the radio, on every show we watch, there is something about babies, and being pregnant, and getting pregnant, and celebrities that are pregnant. It's there at Wal-Mart and target on the cover of every magazine. It's everywhere and I feel like I can't get away from it. It's just still a very sensitive subject, and I feel like everyone just wants me to get over it. There is everything I have been feeling for a little over a month in a nut shell for you...I just needed to get it on paper to see if it made any more sense to me.