Focus on Marriage

Jeff and I attended a Focus on the Family simulcast today called "Focus on Marriage." It was like a spa day for our marriage, not that our marriage was in any sort of trouble, but its cool to be able to listen to marriage counselors, authors, and professionals, and all of their ideas on marriage and how to strengthen it. We all know every now and then that infertility can take a hit on even the strongest marriages.

Beth Moore is one of my favorite Christian authors. She is like the Paula Deen of authors, with her big blond hair and her southern accent. She's an amazing author, and an even more entertaining presenter, and the primary reason I drug my husband there for an all day Saturday presentation at church was to see her. If you ever get the chance to check her out you should take the opportunity. She was one of five presenter, which included: Gary Thomas, Del Tackett, Gary Smalley, and John Trent.

All of them were great presenter and speakers, and had amazing messages, but one part of the day soured about an hour of it for me, and it really bothered me. As an infertile woman, one of the big things that bothers me in day to day life is how people don't label you as a family until you have children. Congratulations you can now qualify as a family! I'm sorry, but I beg to differ. I consider Jeff and I very much a family. Webster's Dictionary defines a family as "a group of people living under one roof, a group of people from common ancestry, a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation, a group of things related by common characteristics," The fifth definition is the first one that says anything about kids. Why is it, then, that society defines a family as two people raising children? Now, when we have kids, I am not saying that we won't be happy, in fact I know we will be over the moon joyous, just in a different way, celebrating the addition to our family, not celebrating that we have finally become a family. I am not trying to say anything negative about people who do have kids, so please don't interpret what I am saying in that sense. I have several close friends with kids, and I in no way am trying to offend those that are parents. I am just simply asking where does it say that a family must be a mom, a dad, 2.5 children, a dog and a white picket fence?

One presenter or put up on the board a Venn diagram. On one side he wrote, God (father), Jesus (son), and Holy Spirit. On the other side he wrote Husband, Wife, Children. Then he made a correlation to how God and Jesus related to each other, and how a husband and wife correlated to each other, and how all three things on each side worked in perfect harmony with each other. His main point was how God is balanced with all three parts, and how a family is balanced with a wife, a husband, and children. What if you don't have children? Is this like a mathematical equation where both sides have to equal each other? Am I missing something in my life if I don't yet have children? What about the people who don't want to have children? Are they just destined to not live in the perfect harmony that all the people with children have? Then he went on to say that he has noticed how so many things in life come in threes that 1 is a lonely, solitary number...2 is an intimate relationship, and 3 is a gathering, a fellowship. I understand his message was geared towards those families with children, but what about all those people out there who don't? The way it was presented, and perhaps part of the problem is how I am interpreting it, but I felt like he was saying without all three things you weren't as good, or as fulfilled as if you did.

I'm sorry if I have come off as bitter, jaded, or angry. I'm not, at least not over this. Mostly, I was just disappointed. I knew children would come up at some point during the day. In most venues children and marriage are synonymous...I just didn't think at a church, listening to marriage experts and authors that I would be reminded once again of what society is always telling me that I lack. I was hoping that maybe I could just focus on strengthening my relationship with Jeff, revel in what a wonderful man he is, and learn how to support each other even better than we have been.

Maybe some food for thought, or a conversation starter? Let me know what you think, friends in blog land...