Multi-trial learner

Why, why, why do I keep doing this to myself?

I keep feeling this need, this urge to tell those closest to me what is going on in our lives, and where we are in our fertility treatments. I know, and have known, that several people close to us have very strong opinions, and some even have some opposition, to some of the steps we are taking. I don't live my life for others, and if someone doesn't like how I do things, then they can rest assured that it is not their life. But when it comes to my family, I would be lying if I said I didn't care what they thought, or at some level didn't need their approval. From the time you are little all you want is to make your family proud. It just kills me that they don't even try to understand what we are going through, or even if they can't understand just try and be there as a support system.

Let me give you the history of my family...
My great grandmother got pregnant at 19. My grandmother got pregnant at 19. My mother was pregnant at 20 while on the pill. My aunt got pregnant later, while using birth control, and then pregnant again after a botched tubal ligation. To say I come from a line of overly fertile women is an understatement. I mean these women practically think about being pregnant and BAM! they are. I realize being on that side of things, it is really hard for them to understand what we are going through.

I've always been very close with my family. It was a running joke growing up that I had three moms to answer to (my grandma, my mom, and my aunt). At the risk of revealing too much about what Jeff and I have decided, and J please forgive me if I am, but we have talked seriously about using donor sperm if our next 3 IUIs don't take. When I passed our decision on to some members of my family I am close to, they acted like I had grown three heads. Several of them are big advocates for adoption, which, like I've always said, is a great choice, just not a choice we are ready to explore... yet. Call me selfish, or self-centered, whatever, but I want to know the joy of giving birth. I want to endure everything that encompasses being a mother right down to the last stretch mark, and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. They have taken it upon themselves in the past to pass on adoption forum fliers, or to invite us to speak to so and so they know who adopted their child from _________ (insert foreign country here). These are not exactly subtle people, and I love them for that, but I wish they would just say, "Whatever makes you happy, and we will support you whatever way we can."

We have made choices for our future, and have mapped out a plan for us. We have our reasons for choosing the way we did, and we are happy with what we have decided. I just wish that was enough for them. I love my family so much and want them to be happy for me and for us. No matter how many times they hurt my feelings or say things that seem the polar opposite of what I want them to, I can't bring myself to just say, "Screw it. It doesn't matter." They will always be some of the most important people in the world to me. But how many times do you touch a hot stove before you realize every time you will get burned??