Welcome ICLWers! My road down IF lane is on the right sidebar...
I need opinions...Does anyone else ever feel like they don't want to/can't talk to their RL friends? Not all, but just only want to talk to the select few that actually care? My BFF for 21 years (wow I feel old!) is amazing. We don't talk nearly as much as I would like, but she is patient and understanding, and I love her for that. Whenever we do talk it's like no time has passed at all. Tracy, if you are reading this, thank you for being the most amazing best friend anyone could ask for. You mean the world to me!!! It just feels sometimes that people ask questions, but they don't really care about the answers...like they are only asking out of obligation.
Sometimes I can feel the people I talk to getting bored with me. I've actually had people ask if we can talk about something different because my openness bothers them, and they don't care to know every detail. Keep in mind I don't usually just volunteer up information, these are people who have asked questions, and I make it a practice not to lie about it. I understand their problem, but at the same time, I can't not think about it or talk about it, because this is my life, whether I like it or not. Would you ask someone not to talk about their job, or their family, or their hobbies because they talk about it a lot? That's their life. It is who they are. I feel sometimes like people ask, but don't care...sympathize on the outside, but are silently counting the minutes until they can change the subject. Does anyone else feel like this, or is it the darn medicine again? Am I just crazy emotional, or are there others who understand where I am coming from?
I have this friend...when I needed them when I was going through a tragedy, they couldn't bring themselves to talk to me because they were happy. I got a two sentence email in response when I emailed them about what had happened. But when tragedy suddenly struck their family, I was expected to put everything aside to be there, which I did. Now that the tragedy is passing, I am finding it harder and harder to put the past behind me, especially since most conversations/emails are very one sided, and very few questions are asked about how I am, or what is going on in my life...Do I really need someone like this in my life? How do you rationalize to someone that you just can't be their sole support system because you can barely stand on your own two feet??
I need two-way friendships...give and take through good times and bad. Unfortunately, like so many other things with IF, it really shows you people's true colors, who your TRUE friends are, and I seem to be losing more than I am keeping. I guess that's not all bad, because I have gained so many online blogging friends that I know will be there through the computer screen whenever I need them.
Sorry this post has been much longer than I had intended, but thank you for suffering through my random and ill sequenced thoughts. Please feel free to leave your opinions, thoughts, and comments! I will try my hardest to comment back. Thank you!! ~H
A firstborn among us
7 years ago
10 comments:
Yes, I did have IRL friends that I could talk to, but I also had some that let it be known that they were over hearing about my problems. You learn who your true friends are when times are hard. That being said I got to the point where I started getting uncomfortable talking to the friends that were understanding because I knew they didn't really "get" it. While they were understanding talking to them didn't really help me feel better. It was my blogger friends and 1 IRL IF friend that really helped me.
Sometimes it easier to talk to peoole when you dont have to see their expressions.
You say you need two-sided friendship. Understood. Doesn't everyone deserve that??? Maybe some of your friends feel the same way....they need a two-sided friendship with someone whose communication isn't 100% about IF when they're not in the same boat.
I don't mean to sound harsh, just looking at the other side of the coin.
I love you Hay Hay. I really miss being there and helping you with everything you are going through. I'm always just a phone call a away. I'll always be there for you. Ans I know it's a two way street...I need to call you too. Miss you.
I completely understand what you are saying. One thing that I am always afraid of is that I am the one-sided friend so I am constantly trying to make sure that I am as active in my friends lives as they are with me. It can be very tiring to be the better half of the two-sided friendship. I have found with the ones that are like that to me I don't waste my time anymore. I will maybe call/email and then just leave it to them. I have determined that those relationships are what they are and I don't confide in them or give too much when I know I won't get it back. Hope that helps!
(HUGS)
ICLW
Happy ICLW!!!
I totally understand where you are coming from. Many of my IRL friends are drifing away. It SUCKS- no doubt about it. I am also very lucky to have 1 super understanding IRL friend. She isn't going through IF, but she knows ME well enough to understand my emotions. That helps so much.
Good Luck
it's not so much that i feel like my rl friends don't care or aren't listening, i know they do and they are, it's more that i feel that they cannot relate to it and therefore don't really understand. that's why we have our wonderful blogs though, so many understanding people!
When you are a loving, generous person, you sometimes end up in these one-sided friendships without realizing it. And, when it gets to the point where you need them, thats the first time you see them for what they are. If I were in your shoes, I would tell this friend how I felt and, if their behavior didn't change, I would cut them out of my life. That may seem harsh but, like you said, I need two way friendships. And, that need is especially acute when you are dealing with something like infertility. {{{Hugs}}}
~ICLW
All friendships need to benefit both/all participants. I would distance myself from those who don't have the capacity to encourage, support, help, or understand in any way. I know too well that there are casualties on this IF journey. I had a good friend that basically dissappeared and it about ripped my heart out. Then you find others that do understand, who really get it (unfortunately) and you turn to them. I'm sorry that sounded so insensitive.
Yes, I know what you mean. One of the hardest parts of IF has been realizing that some of my friendships have limitations that I wasn't aware of until . . . now. It hurts. Don't get me wrong, some of my IRL friends have been great, especially the few who have done the IVF dance. That said, these blogs are such a blessing!!!! We have such a desire to know others and to be known, no matter where we are in life. ICLW.
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