A year ago today I was a mom. A year ago tomorrow, my world came crashing down, and I lost it all. I'm trying really hard to keep a smile on my face, and not dissolve into tears. So far, so good. I've been able to keep myself relatively busy during the day. It's the nights that things start getting to me. My time fillers have been reading, TV, and playing Mob Wars. While those are great at distracting me, there is only so much distraction before my mind starts wandering to a year ago...
I feel like right now my tears and pain are being held back by these massive flood gates, but even the flood gates can only hold so much back, and it won't take too much more before everything comes flooding out. I find myself being really irritable and cranky with people for no particular reason. I burst into tears last night when J and I were talking over something ridiculously stupid. The words, "family", "children", and "mommy" bring tears to my eyes and a catch in my throat faster than you could imagine. My close friends that know what this week brings keep telling me I'm being so strong, and they can't believe how calm I am. I don't feel strong, and I don't feel calm. There is a storm brewing inside, and I'm hoping when it breaks it will be in the privacy of my own home, and not in public, or in front of the wrong people.
I feel ridiculous for letting it affect me this much. There are women out there who had babies they lost much further along than me. I didn't have that much time to get attached to my 'baby' but I did have a chance to get attached to the idea of being pregnant, of being a mommy, of all of the things that having a child would bring. That is what is painful to think about...about how I was robbed of all of those things. I should have a child right now...a three month old. I should be one of those deliriously happy people documenting my child's every waking moment and posting them on my blog, emailing them to friends and family, and gushing about how cute they are at work. But instead I have a crib in my basement halfway put together...Okay, moving on before I break down completely...
It is finally spring break. Thank you God! I am in need of some alone time to just relax and be by myself. We are getting ready to gear up for our 4th IUI after a 3 cycle hiatus, so I have something to look forward to. I am cautiously optimistic. It feels like this doctor actually had our best interest at heart, and wants to help us get to our final goal. I'm hoping the new medicine will work great, and I will have follies without the crazy side effects (or some of them anyway!)
Thank you for reading my thoughts and feelings...you'd be surprised how many people just don't understand why I am still hurting, and why this is such a big deal. I get the, "Just keep trying, it will happen!" or even better, "Just stop trying, and it will happen." I want to scream at these people, "Really? With a 1% morphology rate it will just happen??? Are you a miracle worker, or a scientist who can magically make these things happen?" Thank you for helping me through this, whether it is just by reading my blog and validating my feelings, or leaving an amazingly thoughtful comment, I appreciate all of you. I promise, I just need to get through tomorrow, and then I will try my hardest to not be this depressing! :)
A firstborn among us
7 years ago
5 comments:
I am so sorry you are having to experience the loss all over again this week. I know how truly painful miscarriage is, but no one besides you can know how you feel at this moment, or how you will feel tomorrow. I also know nothing anyone says will take away the hurt.
I am thinking of you, pulling for you, and sending a hug and a comforting thought your way. You are not alone.
Hugs,
Carrie
Oh, my dear Haley. I am so sorry for the pain you feel. I know it's hard to agree with your friends who have complemented on your strength. I happen to agree with them, but I know that doesn't make you feel better.
I am also sending you a hug. I hope you feel better soon.
I'm thinking of you, today especially.
Thank you for such an honest and comforting comment the other day. It means a lot to me that you would take the time to write that much. The support I've felt in this blogosphere amazes me each day. None of us are alone.
I am so sorry. I'm glad you find some of the comfort you need. It doesn't matter what other people have lost. It only matters how you feel about your own loss. You cannot compare grief. Remember that you are strong even if you dont think you are
Our issue is morphology as well. I've had people who know that we have issues tell me that if I get pregnant with ART then any subsequent pregnancy will happen spontaneously because pregnancy will fix my body. There have been a couple people that I've just gotten sick of and flat out told that pregnancy may change my body but that it's unlikely to fix my husband's sperm.
It sounds a bit crude and rude but it feels so good to put them in their place. Yeah, I can be a bitch sometimes.
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