The Perfect Day

Today was one of those days were it felt like the world just decided to be against me. Oh, who am I kidding, the entire month of January has felt like that. I can't really explain why I felt like this, or put my finger on some specific reason, it just did.

I have been feeling really down lately, almost defeated. At the beginning of our IF journey, I was so optimistic, so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to meet our problem head on. I was always taught growing up that you have to work hard for what you want, and that's what I expected to do...work really hard and a few months down the road, have a beautiful big belly and a growing baby to show for all our hard work. What they failed to mention, when I was sitting there waiting to take the world by storm, is how hard work doesn't apply to infertility. There are many things out of your control with it, and sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try.

Now almost a year into our treatments and tests, I can tell I have changed. I no longer sit anxiously in the waiting room visualizing what being pregnant is going to be like. Instead I think about how long the next few weeks are going to be, and what our next course of treatment is if it doesn't take again. I don't dream about what fun and creative way I am going to tell my family the news. Instead I dread family functions where people ask about our progress. I used to try and think about how to decorate the baby's room, and browse clothes on Baby GAP. Now, I almost break down looking at baby things. I used to browse Amazon for pregnancy books, and now I browse for uplifting stories about infertility. I now have wrinkles on my forehead, and a jaded outlook on life. What happened to the optimistic me, the one with all the fight and drive? I keep trying to find her, but it gets harder and harder with each failed cycle.

Why has God chosen not to answer my prayers? Why doesn't God think I deserve a baby of my own, a baby that I would love and protect more than anything else in the world? Why does he choose to bless other families, like a mother at school who is unmarried and pregnant with her third child, all from different fathers? There are people he blesses with children that don't want them, or kill them, or abandon them, or hurt them. Why not me?

The one silver lining to my day was when my math liaison asked about our progress. When I explained to her what the situation with changing doctors was, she said, "I'm really pulling for you guys. I know you will make a wonderful mother." I don't know why those words hit me as hard as they did, but it was all I could do to not break down and cry in the middle of the hallway. Not tears of sadness necessarily, but a mixture of things...tears of joy at the thought of actually being a mother again...tears of sadness and frustration from all we have gone through and know we haven't even made it halfway up the hill...tears of shame because I feel like it shouldn't be this hard to do something everyone else seems to do so effortlessly...and tears of gratitude for her kind and thoughtful words. I wish my emotions weren't so jumbled right now. Some days I feel I don't know up from down.

The thing I always try to keep in my heart and in my head on days (weeks, months) like today is this:

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him." Psalm 37:7. God's timing is always right, even if I don't agree with it. He has my baby, somewhere waiting for me, whether it is my biological child or not, and I cannot wait to meet him or her when God deems it appropriate. That day is what I live for. That day is what keeps me going when I feel I can't do anything more. That day is what I think about when I am being poked with a needle, or enduring another failed IUI. That day will be perfect.